Not alone

You won’t be all alone,
tonight, because
my breath
in the cold December air
is breatheing out for you,
even if I don’t know you,
and there’s a twinge in the air
that I wish would solidify
into something like solid ice.
To stab me in the heart.

At least then he would know i have one.
And i used it for something.

I had a dream where
I got run over,
and it felt good.
Because his face
was somewhere in the mass
of people who weren’t really
watching, but
who decided I was
an interesting ghost.
to stare at.

i was left in the middle
of her lies
and he didn’t even care.
i cried almost each night
and forgot
how not
to stare.

So I remembered
at the wrong turn,
and this is revenge,
gotta be,
for the months ago
when I didn’t smile back
at that other guy
who didn’t smile for anyone.
I feel so bad.
I did seconds later.
I was shy.
and I didn’t want to dirty
someone as beautiful as him.

Now I’m just a mess,
a beautiful ship-
wreck -ed upon the cliff
and hanging off the edge
but the rope is only
a tourniquet around my arm,
not my throat yet.
Because if it were around my throat,
I might do something,
like change this.

Instead I’m standing here
and sitting there
and wondering how
my life got so unfair,
wondering whether I want
to remember or forget
and realizing that a heart beat
and youth
are wonderful.
And realizing that this
sitting at home
cannot be medicated.
And that it’s not normal,
and my role models find it
abnormal, and they
have friends in Hawaii
and in Europe
and family who cares.

And my family wonders
why the bastard child
with the righteous mom
doesn’t want to come anymore
to their congregations
of bigotry and demeaning
attitudes, like the luck
of no body.

I’m lost in a lantern
and I’m in the rain
and I don’t want to begin
to care about you, please.
It’ll only hurt
later, in a few
minutes and then
I’ll cry and the rain outside
won’t be enough
to stop

my tears
or your lies
and I’ll fall
for all your words
and cuss them later,
and cry right after
I reach a ‘friend’
not you.

But someday maybe
I’ll be okay.
I’ll have friends.
Right, because that happens
to those invisible people
who are hoping that you’re thinking
of ‘Over My Head (Cable Cars)’ for me,
that the apathy is that person you
listened to instead of me,
that I find out
it was all a joke,
all a test for me,
to see if I was real.

Well I’m real,
and sometimes I think
you forget that.
I can’t just care and care
and care,
liar of course,
I can.

And if I do.
You might not
see much of me
in person anymore.
Not that you do anyway.

So stop taking your pills
for a night
and listen to my voice
amongst the many
   in the walls
.

Forgive me o for my
lack of life
I’m a suffocating heart
that doesn’t care
to restart
much or many
breathes
after you take them all
and I’m somewhat almost
fine with that.
I love you.
I mean that.

I meant to do it.
No excuses this time.
I love you,
and you can stay alive if I do,
and the ‘you’ in this poem
changes too much,
so if I knew you,
I love you,
and if I knew a lie,
I love who I think you are,
and if you’re reading this
and I’ve talked to you online,
you count.
And if you’re reading this,
and you’re lonely,
you count too.

The December breath
is the shortest of all
because sometimes forever
is a second, to fall
*December 1st, 2013 *

I love you.